Why Is Conflict So Common in Relationships?

Most of us enter relationships believing we’re responding to what’s happening in the moment. A tone of voice. A look. A missed text. A disagreement that seems to come out of nowhere.

But what if we’re not reacting to the present at all?

What if we’re responding to scars we believe everyone else can see, even when they can’t?

In relationship coaching, this distinction matters more than most people realize. It’s why traditional approaches often don’t work because it focuses on modifying behavior rather than inner healing. 

How Does Past Trauma Affect Relationships?

Past trauma affects relationships by shaping how we perceive ourselves and how we expect others to treat us. Unhealed emotional wounds create internal beliefs, or “psychological scars,” that can distort communication, intensify conflict, and trigger defensive reactions, even when no real threat exists.

What’s fascinating is that this idea isn’t just a therapeutic insight. It’s been observed and studied in social psychology as well.

One of the clearest examples comes from a well-known study often referred to as the Dartmouth Scar Experiment.

What Is the Dartmouth Scar Experiment?

In 1980, psychologists Robert Kleck and Angelo Strenta conducted a study to study how a person’s perception of themselves influences social interaction. 

Participants were told they would receive a realistic facial scar and then interact with another person. They were shown the scar in a mirror so they fully believed it was there. However, just before the interaction began, the researchers secretly removed the scar.

There was no scar.

Yet afterward, participants consistently reported feeling judged, avoided, patronized, or treated differently because of their perceived appearance.

The key finding was striking. Belief alone shaped perception. Participants interpreted neutral social behavior as negative because they expected to be seen as flawed.

This wasn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by changed behavior. It was a perceptual bias.

The scar didn’t change how others behaved.
It changed how participants experienced the interaction.

Trauma is an emotional scar and affects relationships just as significantly.

Trauma as Emotional Scarring in Relationships

The Dartmouth Scar Experiment offers a powerful metaphor for how trauma operates in relationships.

Trauma functions much like that imagined scar. When someone has experienced rejection, abuse, neglect, or abandonment, they often carry unconscious beliefs such as:

• “Something is wrong with me.”
• “I’m too much.”
• “I’ll be rejected if I’m fully seen.”

These beliefs don’t stay in the past. They shape how we interpret our partner’s behavior.

• A distracted look feels like disinterest.
• A pause in communication feels like abandonment.
• A disagreement feels like danger.

Unresolved trauma can create emotional triggers that show up as:

• Overreacting to small conflicts
• Assuming rejection or judgment
• Becoming defensive or withdrawn
• Interpreting neutral behavior as threatening

Just like in the Dartmouth study, the scar exists internally, but the reaction feels externally justified.

Locus of Control and the Victim Mindset in Relationships

Psychology Today’s analysis of the Dartmouth Scar Experiment connects these findings to locus of control, a concept introduced by psychologist Julian Rotter.

People with an external locus of control believe their experiences are shaped primarily by outside forces. Other people. Circumstances. Fate.

Those with an internal locus of control recognize that while they cannot control everything that happens, they can influence how they interpret and respond.

When trauma remains unexamined, people often default to an external locus of control. They assume others are judging them, dismissing them, or rejecting them, and they feel powerless to change it.

Over time, this can create a quiet victim mindset. It’s often undramatic, but persistent, and it can shape how we experience relationships.

This mindset often shows up as thoughts like:

• “This always happens to me.”
• “People never really show up.”
• “I’m just bad at relationships.”

The Dartmouth Scar Experiment shows how convincing that story can feel, even when it’s inaccurate.

Why Conflict Can Be a Growth Opportunity

Why Does Conflict Trigger Old Wounds?

Conflict triggers old wounds because it activates the nervous system’s threat response. When past trauma is unresolved, disagreements can feel unsafe, causing people to react defensively based on earlier experiences rather than the current situation.

This is where conflict becomes an asset rather than a threat.

Conflict exposes assumptions. It reveals emotional triggers. It highlights where past experiences are influencing present reactions.

When conflict feels disproportionate to the issue, it usually is.

Instead of asking, Why is my partner doing this to me?
A better question is, Why am I reacting this way? What story am I telling myself right now?

That shift moves us from blame to awareness, and from fear to growth.

How Self-Perception Shapes Relationship Outcomes

The most powerful takeaway from the Dartmouth Scar Experiment the belief is enough to shape our experience is simple but profound.

If you believe you are unworthy, unsafe, or unlovable, you will interpret interactions through that lens, even when the evidence doesn’t support it.

Healing doesn’t mean denying the scar. It means recognizing that the scar no longer defines you or dictates how others see you, or how you must see yourself.

As self-perception changes, communication softens. Defensiveness decreases. Curiosity replaces fear.

Relationships begin to feel safer, not because others changed, but because perception did.

A Reflection for Couples

The next time conflict arises, pause and ask yourself:

• What am I assuming about how I’m being seen right now?
• What past experience might this moment be echoing?
• Is it possible I’m reacting to an old scar rather than a present reality?

That pause is where real healing and relationship growth begin.

The Takeaway: How Healing Perception Transforms Relationships

In healthy relationships, conflict is not the problem. Unexamined beliefs and unhealed trauma are.

The Dartmouth Scar Experiment reminds us that many relationship struggles aren’t about what’s happening between partners, but about what each person believes about themselves.

• Past trauma can distort perception.
• Unexamined beliefs can quietly sabotage connection.
• But awareness restores choice.

When we correct those beliefs, conflict stops being something to fear and becomes a tool for discovery, healing, and deeper connection.

That’s where relationships truly transform.

Frequently Asked Questions About Trauma and Relationships

Can trauma affect how we interpret our partner’s behavior?

Yes. Trauma can distort perception, causing people to misinterpret neutral actions as rejection, criticism, or abandonment.

Is conflict bad for relationships?

No. Conflict becomes harmful only when driven by unexamined triggers. When handled with awareness, it reveals growth opportunities.

How does self-perception affect relationships?

Self-perception shapes how we interpret communication. Negative self-beliefs often lead to defensive reactions and emotional distance.

References

Kleck, R. E., & Strenta, A. (1980). Perceptions of the impact of negatively valued physical characteristics on social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 39(5), 861–868.

Rotter, J. B. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs.

Koehler, J. (2024). Locus of Control, Invisible Scars: Our beliefs shape the reality we experience and hold us captive. Psychology Today.

0;">The Takeaway: How Healing Perception Transforms Relationships

In healthy relationships, conflict is not the problem. Unexamined beliefs and unhealed trauma are.

The Dartmouth Scar Experiment reminds us that many relationship struggles aren’t about what’s happening between partners, but about what each person believes about themselves.

• Past trauma can distort perception.
• Unexamined beliefs can quietly sabotage connection.
• But awareness restores choice.

When we correct those beliefs, conflict stops being something to fear and becomes a tool for discovery, healing, and deeper connection.

That’s where relationships truly transform.

Frequently Asked Questions About Trauma and Relationships

Can trauma affect how we interpret our partner’s behavior?

Yes. Trauma can distort perception, causing people to misinterpret neutral actions as rejection, criticism, or abandonment.

Is conflict bad for relationships?

No. Conflict becomes harmful only when driven by unexamined triggers. When handled with awareness, it reveals growth opportunities.

How does self-perception affect relationships?

Self-perception shapes how we interpret communication. Negative self-beliefs often lead to defensive reactions and emotional distance.

References

Kleck, R. E., & Strenta, A. (1980). Perceptions of the impact of negatively valued physical characteristics on social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 39(5), 861–868.

Rotter, J. B. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs.

Koehler, J. (2024). Locus of Control, Invisible Scars: Our beliefs shape the reality we experience and hold us captive. Psychology Today.

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